Ego Trip

Today I've had a comeuppance. The kind that is delivered with a sudden and shocking flash of self awareness, so sharp and clean it feels like your face just got rubbed in a glacier.

Someone I hold dear, although I do not know her well, has experienced a lot of shit in her life over the past 18 months. So much poo has been poured upon this woman and her family that even Kenny would step out of his overalls and call it a day.*

This week she got served another bout. It Scared me. I don't do Scared well. I wanna fight Scared and punch its little lights out. The best way to do that is to DO. So I did. I issued the clarion call. I rallied the Lady Troops. I conceived of a plan so lovely, warm and fuzzy, Barbara Cartland would want to hold it on her lap, give it a nickname and stroke it all afternoon.

Oh! I was on fire. Something about this particular woman sends me into action stations.  Hither and thither I bounded, issuing emails, cooking up plans, interviewing candidates and convincing some of her closest personal friends to agree that my idea was indeed worthy of Cartlandish affections. There were words of warning, delivered with love and respect for my intentions but I was determined to get on that road to hell, so took little heed.

You ever find that your ass hurts when you hit the floor after crashing out of your bubble?

Mine did. This friend and her family had the audacity - nay - the sheer temerity to politely refuse the wonderful, kittenish, bursting full of cuddly love offer of support that I had decided would be good for them to receive! The bloody cheek of it!

When crushed, my first reaction is always to fight, fight and then fight some more. In this case, I started banging out a really upset email and at some point, around about when I wrote the words "get your ego in check and wake up" - BAM! Ice cold glacier to the face!

Who was having the ego trip?

Suddenly I was drenched in the reality that my actions had been all about me, and not about her at all. I was no better than Xenaphon and his grandstanding little mate Wilke - just acting on something that would create popular appeal and not actually addressing the real and expressly articulated needs of those affected.

And what was worse, I had dragged other people into it. And then in what is the absolute worstest, scummy and puerile aspect of all, I went sniveling off to everyone that was caught up in it and begged them to help me feel better about having been a blind, dopey, ignorant, pushy, meddling, busy-bodying dork.

Love a little, meddle a little

And let me tell you when the word busy body popped into my head and I applied it to myself and realised IT WAS TRUE - that was truly a punch in the chops because last time I looked, I wasn't someone with nothing better to do than mess around in the family affairs of people I barely know.

So what happened? From whence did this pushy arrogant and self-sick making behaviour come?

Still working on that one. I'll figure it out eventually but of one thing I am sure - a mirror got held up to me today and all the accusations I was about to let fly at the object of my meddling intentions got flashed straight back in my eyes.

 I believe the saying goes "I was blind, but now I see."

What I saw is that I did ask "what can I do to help" and I was given a very straight forward answer.  But instead of going with the flow and accepting, I tripped on some serious ego shit.

Every time I come into contact with this person and her circle of trusted friends, I grow. Even after I made some really dreadful errors in judgement today,  I was forgiven by everyone, including the person who should never have been put in such an unfair position at all.

And to that person I say, I have never been so happy to be called a fucktard in all my life. And I love you too.

*In joke for Australians. For all others http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0kJ1wYpzQek