Someone I hold dear, although I do not know her well, has experienced a lot of shit in her life over the past 18 months. So much poo has been poured upon this woman and her family that even Kenny would step out of his overalls and call it a day.*
This week she got served another bout. It Scared me. I don't do Scared well. I wanna fight Scared and punch its little lights out. The best way to do that is to DO. So I did. I issued the clarion call. I rallied the Lady Troops. I conceived of a plan so lovely, warm and fuzzy, Barbara Cartland would want to hold it on her lap, give it a nickname and stroke it all afternoon.
You ever find that your ass hurts when you hit the floor after crashing out of your bubble?Mine did. This friend and her family had the audacity - nay - the sheer temerity to politely refuse the wonderful, kittenish, bursting full of cuddly love offer of support that I had decided would be good for them to receive! The bloody cheek of it!
When crushed, my first reaction is always to fight, fight and then fight some more. In this case, I started banging out a really upset email and at some point, around about when I wrote the words "get your ego in check and wake up" - BAM! Ice cold glacier to the face!
Who was having the ego trip?
Suddenly I was drenched in the reality that my actions had been all about me, and not about her at all. I was no better than Xenaphon and his grandstanding little mate Wilke - just acting on something that would create popular appeal and not actually addressing the real and expressly articulated needs of those affected.
And what was worse, I had dragged other people into it. And then in what is the absolute worstest, scummy and puerile aspect of all, I went sniveling off to everyone that was caught up in it and begged them to help me feel better about having been a blind, dopey, ignorant, pushy, meddling, busy-bodying dork.
 |
| Love a little, meddle a little |
So what happened? From whence did this pushy arrogant and self-sick making behaviour come?
Still working on that one. I'll figure it out eventually but of one thing I am sure - a mirror got held up to me today and all the accusations I was about to let fly at the object of my meddling intentions got flashed straight back in my eyes.
I believe the saying goes "I was blind, but now I see."
What I saw is that I did ask "what can I do to help" and I was given a very straight forward answer. But instead of going with the flow and accepting, I tripped on some serious ego shit.
Every time I come into contact with this person and her circle of trusted friends, I grow. Even after I made some really dreadful errors in judgement today, I was forgiven by everyone, including the person who should never have been put in such an unfair position at all.
And to that person I say, I have never been so happy to be called a fucktard in all my life. And I love you too.
*In joke for Australians. For all others http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0kJ1wYpzQek
Awe hun... and when you get down you gotta get back up again. Your heart is gold, and anyone who knows you at all knows that. Your intentions were genuine and loving. I'm sorry the lesson hurt but I'm glad you got it, and so quickly...before hitting 'send'. All one can do is to make the offer and to be there. You can't make people take help (even when you are positive they need it). You have to wait for them to accept your offer and ask for what they want, or wait until they fall apart...and even then... be respectful and wait - just be there. and you have always been there.
ReplyDeleteI can rant on about this because I've been there too...on both ends. I overstepped the bounds with a young friend and it took four years for her to speak to me again. It was inexcusable and I, of all people, should have known better. I'm also the absolute last one who will ever ask for help even when in desperate need of it; a habit that has evolved from an extremely warped need to be independent. It's a habit I am trying very hard to change!
Please continue to be the loving, caring and amazing woman that you are...with a little more experience behind you.
Baci, baci
So you're saying I'm not alone in the Village of Occasional Idiots? LOL
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing Fi - you're about as wonderful as a human being gets. xxx
Stop making me cry will ya? And I hope this means you are forgiving yourself.
ReplyDeleteI still think you are being way too hard on yourself, but it doesn't matter what I think as it is your conscience that you go to bed with each night.
You know what would have been worse than letting your ego run away with the fluffball cuddly love offer of support? Doing nothing. Not talking, not caring, not being there. And plenty of people are guilty of that.
THAT is something that would be unforgivable.
If this is the worst mistake you ever make then I'm damn lucky to know you.
You can make mistakes like this with me any time you like.
xo
@Agoo - Sweetpea, we always have Friday - who knows how much of an arsehat I can be in one afternoon?! LOL
ReplyDeleteBossy Moonface says thank you SO MUCH for you make the world a better place to be in. xox
Sammi,
ReplyDeleteYou did the right thing, your intentions were good, and like Agoo says above DOING is better than doing NOTHING.
Some people have trouble accepting help, particularly when they spend their lives going without so others can have normal comforts that we take for granted.
I know what I will do to help them now - donate to their favourite causes & charities, take the pressure off that way, so they know that in their absence on twitter the charities are not missing out.
xx
S
@SarWah - spot on my lovely, which is exactly what they wanted in the first place. Believe me, this is not a pity party for me - hopefully it's coming across in here that along with the ouchy ouchy of self realisation I am (now) having a good laugh at myself too!
ReplyDeleteSometimes the best RAOK is to simply stand back and accept that people may not want what you want to give them. An incredibly valuable lesson.
Keep on tweeting sister xox
Been there done that many times Sam. And continue to do so, often to my detriment. I have learnt though the best thing is sometimes just to be there when and if it all comes crashing down rather than in the driving seat so to speak.
ReplyDeleteOf course the other party has to also know that.
It's natural for some personality types (insert 'bossy overbearing women called Samantha here) to want to climb into the drivers seat, as you say, in order to drive some kind of outcome but in the rush to clamber behind the wheel, it's a good idea not to shove the person you are hoping to help out of the moving vehicle! Next time, I'll be waiting quietly by the passenger door to hop in, if invited! ;
ReplyDelete