To My Darling Daughter,
You are my sunshine and my moon. Where would I be without you?
Your funny little laugh and your beautiful smile make everything so worthwhile.
You are patient and you are kind. You are compassionate and very wise. Although I am the grown-up one, you have taught me to be a Mum. At times I am not there to play. It must seem that I work all day and never stop for very long. I know it's true and it's just plain wrong. If I could have my time again, I'd be your playtime MummyBestestFriend. We'd spend every day out chasing snow on chocolate unicorns, away we'd go! Down broccoli streets and past fields of laughs, we'd sleep on strawberries and have lemonade baths. I'd take you where there was no sky, no ground below, just you and I. We'd see each others lives gone past and be two cosmic rainbow blasts!
But our life is here and now and long, so we'll have each other to stay strong. Two girls together, forever true. I'll never have a better friend than you.
I'm guilty. Guilty because I spend too much time working, guilty because if I don't work I let my clients down, guilty because if I do work the hours, I am tired and hopeless as a mother, a wife, a colleague. Guilty because I know the crap I am doing to my body in order to meet my work obligations is probably ruining me on levels I don't even want to think about. Guilty because I choose to spend half an hour blogging instead of meeting another deadline.
How am I supposed to explain this to her? All she knows is that I work all the time. She's gotten so good at playing by herself. I'm guilty for having her as a single parent, knowing she would likely never have a close sibling to bond and play with through her childhood.
I wrote this letter for her at 3am one day last week. I don't even know which day because it was just a shocking crush of deadlines that saw days and nights run together. I read it to her last night. She loved it. It kind of rhymes because she loves words that are 'married', which is how she describes them. She thinks I'm a rocking rhymer.She'll think I rock for another 6 years or so, and then she'll be mortified at having to spend a weekend at home with me. I'm so fucking mortified all these years have passed and that her babyhood has gone completely.
I'm so grateful that she is old enough to read this little thing I wrote, as my way to trying to help her understand how I feel. I'm scared that she is old enough to understand it because it's like I blinked just after she arrived on the table at the hospital and the best part of a decade had already gone by.
In truth, I have developed some horrible habits as a working parent. I remember what it was like to have a workaholic father. Late to get us to school, late to pick us up on the days he had to. Often racing up to the school gates because he had forgotten to pack us lunch and literally throwing paper bags at us that had pies or pasties or sandwiches in them. His liberal use of the word "promise" and how little it added up to. Feeling like we were always in his way, we came second. His job came first. He always told us he loved us, he was always affectionate but I'm not sure it ever really made up for the temper, the controlling moods and the tension in the house when things were bad at work. Am I now parenting the way I was parented, hoping that words and hugs are enough to make up for not being able to simply give of myself?
God.
What are the things you feel you missed as a child from your parents and have you been able to focus on giving them to your own kids?
Well blossom, I must say I am impressed and quite moved.
ReplyDelete1. Get one of your illustrator pals to wrap some colourful kids pics around that initial prose and publish it as a kids book, sell to angst and guilt ridden parents such as yourself. Sell a self-recording audio book version for those so time poor they can't even read it in real time. Allow the insertion of parents face into the pages so children remember what parents actually look like.
2. You are doing all right, I remember well when the betting was favouring you eating your own young prior to discharge from the hospital, and here you are writing this a decade on!
3. There are plenty of only children, being able to play by oneself is important for inventiveness and deep thought later in life, all kids want more time with their parents, almost none of them get a such a great example of a vibrant and multi-dimensional human being as a mum.
4. The fact that you wrote this at all tells me two things:
a) You are in the top decile of parents for even considering this, and feeling the guilt (while setting the example of hard work).
b) You are seeking reassurance – therefore let me say: be reassured, you appear to be a great mum by anyone's standards. Stuff happens, you do the best you can, you have wins and losses, the universe has the ultimate say and all you can do is try and provide the tools and moral compass to help your kids make their own way. You seem to be doing just fine, so again be reassured (but don’t rest on your laurels!).
5. I think all parents feel all, or at least some of this stuff at some point, before, during or after the time when a difference can be made. Most of us do not have the eloquence to pen a cogent and concise piece like this to describe it, or the courage to broadcast it to the world at large.
You are kind of cool for a psycho ☺
I'm a single parent, too. It's hard. There is no-one else to pick up the slack, no-one else to share the responsibilities with.
ReplyDeleteMy childhood was a lonely one. Both parents worked and I spent many hours home alone on school days.
I managed to be a stay and work at home mum for a lot of my children's years and I am grateful for that. I am also grateful that my boys have each other, because when I neglect them, they are not alone.
At least you are there, at home, and your company is more than some kids have. You're doing a great job :)
Hi Dorothy - well done you! TWO boys on your own - you're my hero already! Single parenting brought with it some advantages (like not having to deal with having anyone question my decisions - heh heh) but it was beyond exhausting. I married last year and my husband has been on the scene since my girl was quite young. We're now a blended family of five and my girl now has two step brothers that are much older than her, but she loves kicking around with them. I sometimes look at the laundry pile and think wistfully back to the days when there was only two of us....
DeleteI've exchanged single parenting for sole trading, which also means there is no one there to share the responsibility with or to pick up the slack, but it does mean I am able to pick my girl up from school three days a week, and I despite the hard hours, that is something I am resolved to hang on to.
I had to go back to work when my girl was only 12 weeks old. Some days I'd be at my desk breastfeeding with the mobile jammed under my chin and typing with one hand. I don't think there has been a time when my daughter has seen me relax for more than a few days in a row. I wonder what this means in terms of how I am modelling her?
For example, when she was two and at daycare one afternoon, a friend of mine arrived to pick up her kid. She say my girl wandering around with her hand up to her ear, talking - it seemed - to herself. My friend called out a hello to my daughter, who turned to look at her, put her finger to her lips in the Shhhh way and mouthed "I'm busy on the phone..." LOL
Another time, when she was three, she jumped up on the chair in front of my computer and starting banging away on the keyboard, and after a second or two exclaimed loudly "Oh, for shits sake"... arrrghhh yikes!
She's my blessing, my gift, my world as I am sure your boys are to you. So big hugs from one stressed out, overworked, sleep deprived mother to another and thank you for taking the time to read my blog. xox
Thanks for sharing. While I don't know the feeling, I understand it. Kids might be behind us in understanding the spoken word, but they're light years ahead of us in reading emotion and body language - letters like the above re-enforce what she already knows and gives her confidence in what she feels ...
ReplyDelete